short time ramblings.

one of the recent themes for pondering lately has in my life been that of happiness. there are so many people in this life that never fully understand what it is. there are many more that seek it all their lives. i think i understand what happiness is. i just don't know how to apply it in my life. i know part of my problem is physical. that's what the meds are for. but probably the greater part of the problem is within my power to fix on my own. i've noticed lately that i have an incredible tendency toward mood swings. i could be pleasant and content one day (or hour), and in unbelievable pain the next. all the while carrying on with life as usual. as i continue to meditate on the cause of my outbursts of pain (and all other negative emotions), i have come to realize that i probably wouldn't be so tormented if i applied myself more to the development of the positive. i'm not saying this will cure my problems- not by a long shot. but it would help. i've never really taken the time to figure out what makes me happy in this life. i know family and friends do; those are a given. but as for activities, pass times, work, and just all around life, i have no idea. this is probably very elemental and juvenile, but it's one of the lessons i missed in my very abbreviated childhood. one of these days, i'm going to have to learn to be a kid. any one know any children willing to teach an overworked, stressed, going white-haired adult how to be a kid?