what i found out with two whole days to myself.

a little over a week ago, i took a trip to Utah for the weekend. it was good to see some of my friends again. it also allowed me time to take stock of where i am, what i want, and where i'm going. (besides getting a manicure for the first time in my life!) i find i am currently floating. i set only short term goals, and my biggest concerns have to do with the immediate future. of course, i still worry about my family- i have two brothers in the Army, one sister just past bed rest from an emergency Cesarean, another one just starting out on her own, another sister is 16, and just starting her Sophomore year (she has a driving permit- AAAH!), the youngest sister is starting to withdraw into herself again, and my youngest brothers are still having some trouble making friends outside the family- it must be a twin thing. but those are concerns that i'm used to having. it's part of loving them. i believe that love comes with a lot of baggage. any thing from trust to fear is wrapped up in loving some one for who they are. it's when you stop fearing for their future, or begin fearing them, that there is a problem. a little over 2 weeks ago, i was able to attend the wedding open house for a dear friend. there are always 2 pieces of advice i give my friends at their weddings. one: the little things are just that; little. in the long run, it won't matter where the tooth paste tube is squeezed, or how the grapefruit is eaten. in fact, such little habits, when viewed in perspective, can become endearing. two: friendship is the base of any successful relationship. friendship is based on trust. there should never be any thing you can't trust your spouse with, or about which spouses cannot talk. once that trust base is established within a marriage, it carries out to the rest of the family. it is in the family that we first learn trust, friendship, sharing, caring, and love. i have heard it said that the only the ones we love the most have the power to cause us the most exulting joy, or the deepest pain. these are the ones we allow into our hearts and souls. like i said, love comes with a lot of baggage. i wouldn't trade my load for the world.
beyond that, i don't really have any thing on the long term horizon just now. in some ways i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. at least once a year, my whole world falls apart, and i have to start all over again. it's been about a year since the last time, it's due. besides, how else am i going to get over the waiting so i can set some longer term goals (maybe even a whole month in advance)? one of these days, i won't have to worry about that, and i can get on with living life more fully. until then, i'm dealing with things as they come, setting plans up to a week in advance, and trying to make sure i don't run out of meds again. besides, there's always at least one or two ideas for the future on the back burner.
as for where i'm going, i think it's in a generally upward direction. so i'm satisfied.

thoughts i had while working on some thing else

i'm currently staying with my parents in small town IL. one of the highest paying jobs in the area is Wal-Mart. every thing else is either factory work or lower pay. my mother has been there for several years now, and it seems to me that the company is bent upon self destruction. first, they forbad any employees from calling out a shoplifter, and fired all the security/ shop-lifting control personnel. then, they complained about an increase in "shrinkage" (loss of sales through illegal loss of merchandise). this led to further cut backs in staff. now, they have decided to make it easier for hold-ups by maintaining that no cashier can remain stationed at one register for too long; so every 4 hours, they have to stop what they're doing, wait for a CSM (essentially a floor manager) to come close out the register, and assign them to a new one. this recent measure is on top of the "advanced" system that logs the cashier out of the register about once every 10- 15 minutes. all of this, taken in to account with the employment cutbacks (so you can never find any one in the department you need, such as shoes, the fitting rooms, pets, et c.; nor is there any one there to clean the restrooms on a daily basis- some going as long as 2 or 3 weeks with out cleaning), seems to invite people to take their business else where. or maybe they feel that, since they've usually run out any other related business in small town areas, there will always be enough people in the more densely populated regions that will fall for the gimmicks, slogans, and convenience of the chain to be able to maintain the family (you know, the "stock holders" that were concerned about a loss in profits, also known as the family of the well know founder of the chain) will continue to be able to live in large mansions, with vacation homes in ideal locations, and drive any car, boat, or aeroplane they take a fancy to. in many ways it reminds me of the political situation of the nation at the moment. it just seems kind of sad when it's become an "old standby" to try to vote for the lesser of two evils. to top it off, i don't think there really is such a thing this year as a lesser; it's the same evil, they just come from different places.