now that fall has finally fallen.

it only decided it was autumn around here about 8 or 10 days ago, and i'm still in IL at my parent's house.
i just last week began working as a part time house keeper for a family in my parent's ward (for those of you who don't know, a ward refers to a local congregation in my church). they have nine children, all home schooled, about 120 acres, and are starting a goat farm. it's a wonderfully busy household, and the mother is a little beyond her limit to keep up with all the cleaning. this provides a great opportunity for me to have a reason to get up in the morning, get ready for the day, and it gives me some thing to do all day. i'm usually there from about 9:00a. till some where around 3:00p., Mon day through Friday. in addition, i've done a little cleaning for a woman that lives down the street. she's one of those people that my parents have known for years, and when she heard i was in town, she asked me to help her. i don't mind at all. i've also been offered my own room if i'll stay with a friend of mine out here. the only thing i worry about is transportation to my new situation. i have to admit, it has been rather difficult to get back into the routine of getting up and going to work in the morning. that's about the only news i have at the moment. my life is pretty boring here in the boring place that only has as much to do as there is to look at (which is not much, it is way to flat out here for my taste). as for how long i'll stay here, i've really no idea. nor do i know where i'll go from here. at this point, i'm almost convinced that i, like Ben Rumson in Paint Your Wagon, was "born under a wond'rin' star". as for the reference to that musical, my parents have it, and just recently felt the need to have me watch it as well. the music recommends it, even if the story line does not. heck, it even has Clint Eastwood singing. twice.

from a plains point-of-view

i'm back at my parent's house right now. it turns out that i can only handle so much stress before i just can't function any more. between working two jobs, doing volunteer work, and trying to have some sort of a social life, i was already fairly stressed. the additional stress of the lies, procrastinations, and debts that i got from Farmer's insurance for a wreck that wasn't even my fault became too much for me. i woke one morning and found myself unable to leave the house. i was too sick to stir much farther than the living room for several days. even then, it was only for very brief excursions for the next almost two weeks. i lost both my jobs and my apartment. i've thought about suing, but i'm not a vindictive person. besides, i'm still recovering from the last prolonged illness- i don't want to invite another. so that leaves me here, living out of boxes, trying to deal with one day at a time, for "an undetermined amount of time". we'll see what happens.

short time ramblings.

one of the recent themes for pondering lately has in my life been that of happiness. there are so many people in this life that never fully understand what it is. there are many more that seek it all their lives. i think i understand what happiness is. i just don't know how to apply it in my life. i know part of my problem is physical. that's what the meds are for. but probably the greater part of the problem is within my power to fix on my own. i've noticed lately that i have an incredible tendency toward mood swings. i could be pleasant and content one day (or hour), and in unbelievable pain the next. all the while carrying on with life as usual. as i continue to meditate on the cause of my outbursts of pain (and all other negative emotions), i have come to realize that i probably wouldn't be so tormented if i applied myself more to the development of the positive. i'm not saying this will cure my problems- not by a long shot. but it would help. i've never really taken the time to figure out what makes me happy in this life. i know family and friends do; those are a given. but as for activities, pass times, work, and just all around life, i have no idea. this is probably very elemental and juvenile, but it's one of the lessons i missed in my very abbreviated childhood. one of these days, i'm going to have to learn to be a kid. any one know any children willing to teach an overworked, stressed, going white-haired adult how to be a kid?

every man's sunset is some other man's sunrise.

so i now work full time at Apx Alarms in the scheduling department, and part time at Organa Minerals. i still do my volunteer work, and just took on more responsibility at one of those. i am still working on outlining the charter/ mission statement of the NPO i want to start. i tend to work on that on Sunday afternoons. i occasionally get to talk to my family, but it's hard without a phone. i probably won't have one until at least July. i'm still working on paying off my debts. it seems that every time i end up unemployed for any amount of time, i feel like a failure. it's fodder for for my depression. in the times when i'm employed, i have a tendency to work myself into the ground. i have to keep up this pace for at least another month. after that, i may cut back on my part time job. it depends on what happens from here. i'll have a couple of weddings to attend in the end of July, beginning of August. on another note, i just learned that my friend from when we were 12 years old fell asleep at the wheel a few weeks ago, and broke a few vertebrae. at the same time she learned the extent of the damage, she learned she's pregnant again. in June, she should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat, and start doing tests to see if the child was injured. it started an interesting train of thoughts. it made me reconsider how i'm spending the limited time i'm allotted on this earth. i don't have much leisure time, but i've had a tendency to waste what i have. if i put forth the effort, i could have much more of an impact on my world- hopefully a positive one. i still have about 8 or 10 hours a week in which i could be of service to others, in which i could spend some time with friends, i could pay more attention to those around me, in which i could take some time to appreciate the beauty in every day life. i have the opportunity to look out the window where i live and where i work and see mountains. i get to live within easy distance of a river, and a few lake sized reservoirs. my goal this week is to spend at least 30 minutes contemplating the miracle of life and the creation. my goal for this month is to spend more time living my life, and not just surviving. my hope is that one of these days, i won't have to fight so hard for every day. my wish that i don't quite dare to hope for is that one of these days, some one else won't have to fight so hard for every one of their days because i'd have already fought for mine. i don't know if i'll be able to achieve any of these goals, hopes, or wishes. i don't know how effective i will be with this NPO. i don't even know if i'll make it through tomorrow without having my world fall apart. but i will put forth all i can and then some to accomplish what i've set out to do. perhaps, some day, i will be able to say i am a better person for my current struggles. some day, i will be able to put my arm around some one's shoulders and say, i've passed over this bridge, let me show you how. some day, i'll be able to rest peacefully, knowing i have accomplished all good things i set out to do when i came to this earth. until then, i will keep those goals in mind and heart. until then, i will trust that it is possible. until then, i will continue to try to reach outside myself with love and an attitude of learning.

never accept a date from a sales call customer.

so i finally have a job. yeah!!! i work in the scheduling department of Apx Alarms. meaning i set appointments for technicians to go visit customers, talk to tech's when they've visited customers, et cetera. i just started on last Friday. i like it so far. unfortunately, it may have come too late. i have some serious bills coming due, and i had to borrow money for gas today.
on another note, i'm finally getting things on paper for the NPO (non profit organization) i want to start. if all goes as planned (which it rarely ever does) i'll have every thing i can do done by the end of the year. hopefully the governmental aspects won't take that long, and i'll have it up and running by the time i go back to my fam's house for my Christmas vacation. for those of you who don't know, it is my goal to organize and operate an NPO that not only provides a service, but networks the resources of other related organizations. the goal is to treat and prevent abuse, rape, and violence in general. not only would we shelter, physically and emotionally treat, and assist abuse victims- and provide legal assistance- but provide treatment for the offenders. if the victims are the only ones being treated, the circle of abuse isn't broken, it's only split; like cell nuclei before multiplication. besides, complete healing for the victims is infinitely more difficult if there is no remorse on the offender's side. how do you reconcile yourself to the idea that some one you thought you knew, and trusted hurt you so deeply... and it didn't even phase them? or even to the idea that you were picked randomly by some violently sick stranger; that it wasn't personal? and, if offenders are also treated, the chance of repetition and/or acceleration is notably reduced. some of the services we will offer will include shelter, counseling, medical treatment, legal assistance, parenting and health classes, access to the resources of other organizations, habilitation, rehabilitation, and anonymous emergency hotlines. the hope is to be able to supplement, and perhaps improve upon, any and all existing organizations- regardless of religious or governmental affiliation.
so, that just about covers it.

come again?

what is it about basic human nature that feels the need to do what ever is deemed as gratifying, without expecting consequences? unfortunately in the world today, it seems that there is a lack of responsibility. no one wants to be held accountable for the effects of their own actions- especially the negative ones. in a recent missive, some one whom i had considered a friend told me exactly how ugly and stupid i am (by his estimation), and considered me better off for knowing it. he felt it his duty as "a good friend" to fill me in on all of his most offensive thoughts toward me, and had the gall to tell me he felt better knowing that i knew exactly where he stands in this respect, and that he hopes it was as liberating for me as it was for him. then, he didn't even have the common decency to listen to my response to this insulting onslaught. he continued by telling me that he considers himself to be a good listener, and that my struggles with depression are too much for him to care about. it seems to me that he was using the guise of "friendship" to justify his callous attitude, and refusing to take responsibility for his own severe lack of judgement and tact. i have seen the theme of self-gratification, and justification in more clear cut situations more and more lately. admittedly, i also find my self looking for reasons so i can justify some lapse in judgement or indulgence. however, i often recognize it for what it is: a base desire to relinquish responsibility for my own actions. i do not wish to say that irresponsible, rude, or base thoughts never enter my mind. they do. i'm still human. however, the major differences between man and beast are the ability to distinguish the difference between thought and action, and select which thoughts or impulses are acted upon, and which are ignored or repressed. this is one of the basic requirements for higher function. i guess this recent experience was liberating for me, in a way. it helped me liberate time to ponder on the questions of accountability, and communication. it also liberated me from having yet another friendship to work on and worry about. that's the thing with life; it's far too short to have "friends" like those. as my grandfather used to say: "God gives all men two things common in this life; twenty- four hours in the day, and the right to choose what to do with them.". i choose to surround myself with good and caring people, who listen, and choose to be accountable. i choose to be the best friend i can to them, by offering support, love, and service. i choose to continue to fight depression with all i have, and all the help i can get. i choose to be and become the best person i am capable of being and becoming.

Bah HUMBUG

so once again it's single's awareness day. one of my buddies asked me last week if i had a hot date for Valentine's day. i laughed for at least 5 solid minutes. i'm still chortling. i've never had a date for the day, and don't anticipate having a date for any day any time soon. things like that just don't happen with me. however, it is highly entertaining to observe various of my friends in their romantic adventures. for example, one of my buddies is trying to date a very immature girl... not because he particularly likes her, so much as because he wants some one to date, kiss, and cuddle. such things generally don't go very far, and in the mean time, i enjoy teasing my friend about his gambol for action. aside from that, there's not really any thing i have to add.

sal si puedes

that title is actually the name of a street in the Picture Rocks area of Marana, AZ. true story.
so another month has come and gone; the first one of 2007. not much has changed with me. i tried to do plasma donations, and was told that my veins are too small (they use a 15 gauge needle). i picked up an application to work at a small recovery hospital on the North end of Provo. i think i can handle that. other than that, i've turned in a few applications (none of them for CNA work), and i'm trying to keep the screaming down to a dull roar. it doesn't fix any thing any way, and one of my friends has a tendency to pick up on my emotions... while not always a bad thing for me, this can be really heinous for every one in the vicinity of my friend. i admit i selfishly enjoy the idea that some one is feeling pretty much just as i do; but it is rough on the people around us (especially my friend's coworkers and roommates, who are not used to the intensely harsh emotion coming from that direction). so, that's all for now. if any one actually reads this, it would be nice if you could leave me a note to that effect. if not, what's the point in maintaining this?

if you say so....

i'm still looking for work. i'm thinking i might do telemarketing if i don't find some thing this week. we'll see. if any of my friends even read this, i hope you're doing well... but it would sure be nice to hear from you some time soon. if no one does, well, hey, at least this is free for me to sit here and blah about nothing in particular. i think i'll take a road trip in June. some thing's gotta give some where, some time. and i don't think i'll get any breaks until i make them. life just doesn't work like that for me. in the mean time, i have some friends that can get me to laugh, some that can occasionally hear me scream, and some that will even throw back thier heads and scream with me. they're getting me through.

um, sure. whatever.

back in Provo again, and realizing that things here can be just as pedantic as ever. on a brighter note, i had a good time with my family, and i returned safely- despite being snowed in en route... in Kansas! Vatti and i were stuck for three days in that unappealing state. that's part of the reason i'm thinking of calling my car "the tumbleweed". any way, i don't really have much more to say. oh, i have a new roommate; and she's even in the same ward as i am. that makes three of us in the same building. for singles, that's unusual in my ward. ok. i think that's really all now.