every man's sunset is some other man's sunrise.

so i now work full time at Apx Alarms in the scheduling department, and part time at Organa Minerals. i still do my volunteer work, and just took on more responsibility at one of those. i am still working on outlining the charter/ mission statement of the NPO i want to start. i tend to work on that on Sunday afternoons. i occasionally get to talk to my family, but it's hard without a phone. i probably won't have one until at least July. i'm still working on paying off my debts. it seems that every time i end up unemployed for any amount of time, i feel like a failure. it's fodder for for my depression. in the times when i'm employed, i have a tendency to work myself into the ground. i have to keep up this pace for at least another month. after that, i may cut back on my part time job. it depends on what happens from here. i'll have a couple of weddings to attend in the end of July, beginning of August. on another note, i just learned that my friend from when we were 12 years old fell asleep at the wheel a few weeks ago, and broke a few vertebrae. at the same time she learned the extent of the damage, she learned she's pregnant again. in June, she should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat, and start doing tests to see if the child was injured. it started an interesting train of thoughts. it made me reconsider how i'm spending the limited time i'm allotted on this earth. i don't have much leisure time, but i've had a tendency to waste what i have. if i put forth the effort, i could have much more of an impact on my world- hopefully a positive one. i still have about 8 or 10 hours a week in which i could be of service to others, in which i could spend some time with friends, i could pay more attention to those around me, in which i could take some time to appreciate the beauty in every day life. i have the opportunity to look out the window where i live and where i work and see mountains. i get to live within easy distance of a river, and a few lake sized reservoirs. my goal this week is to spend at least 30 minutes contemplating the miracle of life and the creation. my goal for this month is to spend more time living my life, and not just surviving. my hope is that one of these days, i won't have to fight so hard for every day. my wish that i don't quite dare to hope for is that one of these days, some one else won't have to fight so hard for every one of their days because i'd have already fought for mine. i don't know if i'll be able to achieve any of these goals, hopes, or wishes. i don't know how effective i will be with this NPO. i don't even know if i'll make it through tomorrow without having my world fall apart. but i will put forth all i can and then some to accomplish what i've set out to do. perhaps, some day, i will be able to say i am a better person for my current struggles. some day, i will be able to put my arm around some one's shoulders and say, i've passed over this bridge, let me show you how. some day, i'll be able to rest peacefully, knowing i have accomplished all good things i set out to do when i came to this earth. until then, i will keep those goals in mind and heart. until then, i will trust that it is possible. until then, i will continue to try to reach outside myself with love and an attitude of learning.