what i found out with two whole days to myself.

a little over a week ago, i took a trip to Utah for the weekend. it was good to see some of my friends again. it also allowed me time to take stock of where i am, what i want, and where i'm going. (besides getting a manicure for the first time in my life!) i find i am currently floating. i set only short term goals, and my biggest concerns have to do with the immediate future. of course, i still worry about my family- i have two brothers in the Army, one sister just past bed rest from an emergency Cesarean, another one just starting out on her own, another sister is 16, and just starting her Sophomore year (she has a driving permit- AAAH!), the youngest sister is starting to withdraw into herself again, and my youngest brothers are still having some trouble making friends outside the family- it must be a twin thing. but those are concerns that i'm used to having. it's part of loving them. i believe that love comes with a lot of baggage. any thing from trust to fear is wrapped up in loving some one for who they are. it's when you stop fearing for their future, or begin fearing them, that there is a problem. a little over 2 weeks ago, i was able to attend the wedding open house for a dear friend. there are always 2 pieces of advice i give my friends at their weddings. one: the little things are just that; little. in the long run, it won't matter where the tooth paste tube is squeezed, or how the grapefruit is eaten. in fact, such little habits, when viewed in perspective, can become endearing. two: friendship is the base of any successful relationship. friendship is based on trust. there should never be any thing you can't trust your spouse with, or about which spouses cannot talk. once that trust base is established within a marriage, it carries out to the rest of the family. it is in the family that we first learn trust, friendship, sharing, caring, and love. i have heard it said that the only the ones we love the most have the power to cause us the most exulting joy, or the deepest pain. these are the ones we allow into our hearts and souls. like i said, love comes with a lot of baggage. i wouldn't trade my load for the world.
beyond that, i don't really have any thing on the long term horizon just now. in some ways i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. at least once a year, my whole world falls apart, and i have to start all over again. it's been about a year since the last time, it's due. besides, how else am i going to get over the waiting so i can set some longer term goals (maybe even a whole month in advance)? one of these days, i won't have to worry about that, and i can get on with living life more fully. until then, i'm dealing with things as they come, setting plans up to a week in advance, and trying to make sure i don't run out of meds again. besides, there's always at least one or two ideas for the future on the back burner.
as for where i'm going, i think it's in a generally upward direction. so i'm satisfied.

thoughts i had while working on some thing else

i'm currently staying with my parents in small town IL. one of the highest paying jobs in the area is Wal-Mart. every thing else is either factory work or lower pay. my mother has been there for several years now, and it seems to me that the company is bent upon self destruction. first, they forbad any employees from calling out a shoplifter, and fired all the security/ shop-lifting control personnel. then, they complained about an increase in "shrinkage" (loss of sales through illegal loss of merchandise). this led to further cut backs in staff. now, they have decided to make it easier for hold-ups by maintaining that no cashier can remain stationed at one register for too long; so every 4 hours, they have to stop what they're doing, wait for a CSM (essentially a floor manager) to come close out the register, and assign them to a new one. this recent measure is on top of the "advanced" system that logs the cashier out of the register about once every 10- 15 minutes. all of this, taken in to account with the employment cutbacks (so you can never find any one in the department you need, such as shoes, the fitting rooms, pets, et c.; nor is there any one there to clean the restrooms on a daily basis- some going as long as 2 or 3 weeks with out cleaning), seems to invite people to take their business else where. or maybe they feel that, since they've usually run out any other related business in small town areas, there will always be enough people in the more densely populated regions that will fall for the gimmicks, slogans, and convenience of the chain to be able to maintain the family (you know, the "stock holders" that were concerned about a loss in profits, also known as the family of the well know founder of the chain) will continue to be able to live in large mansions, with vacation homes in ideal locations, and drive any car, boat, or aeroplane they take a fancy to. in many ways it reminds me of the political situation of the nation at the moment. it just seems kind of sad when it's become an "old standby" to try to vote for the lesser of two evils. to top it off, i don't think there really is such a thing this year as a lesser; it's the same evil, they just come from different places.

now that fall has finally fallen.

it only decided it was autumn around here about 8 or 10 days ago, and i'm still in IL at my parent's house.
i just last week began working as a part time house keeper for a family in my parent's ward (for those of you who don't know, a ward refers to a local congregation in my church). they have nine children, all home schooled, about 120 acres, and are starting a goat farm. it's a wonderfully busy household, and the mother is a little beyond her limit to keep up with all the cleaning. this provides a great opportunity for me to have a reason to get up in the morning, get ready for the day, and it gives me some thing to do all day. i'm usually there from about 9:00a. till some where around 3:00p., Mon day through Friday. in addition, i've done a little cleaning for a woman that lives down the street. she's one of those people that my parents have known for years, and when she heard i was in town, she asked me to help her. i don't mind at all. i've also been offered my own room if i'll stay with a friend of mine out here. the only thing i worry about is transportation to my new situation. i have to admit, it has been rather difficult to get back into the routine of getting up and going to work in the morning. that's about the only news i have at the moment. my life is pretty boring here in the boring place that only has as much to do as there is to look at (which is not much, it is way to flat out here for my taste). as for how long i'll stay here, i've really no idea. nor do i know where i'll go from here. at this point, i'm almost convinced that i, like Ben Rumson in Paint Your Wagon, was "born under a wond'rin' star". as for the reference to that musical, my parents have it, and just recently felt the need to have me watch it as well. the music recommends it, even if the story line does not. heck, it even has Clint Eastwood singing. twice.

from a plains point-of-view

i'm back at my parent's house right now. it turns out that i can only handle so much stress before i just can't function any more. between working two jobs, doing volunteer work, and trying to have some sort of a social life, i was already fairly stressed. the additional stress of the lies, procrastinations, and debts that i got from Farmer's insurance for a wreck that wasn't even my fault became too much for me. i woke one morning and found myself unable to leave the house. i was too sick to stir much farther than the living room for several days. even then, it was only for very brief excursions for the next almost two weeks. i lost both my jobs and my apartment. i've thought about suing, but i'm not a vindictive person. besides, i'm still recovering from the last prolonged illness- i don't want to invite another. so that leaves me here, living out of boxes, trying to deal with one day at a time, for "an undetermined amount of time". we'll see what happens.

short time ramblings.

one of the recent themes for pondering lately has in my life been that of happiness. there are so many people in this life that never fully understand what it is. there are many more that seek it all their lives. i think i understand what happiness is. i just don't know how to apply it in my life. i know part of my problem is physical. that's what the meds are for. but probably the greater part of the problem is within my power to fix on my own. i've noticed lately that i have an incredible tendency toward mood swings. i could be pleasant and content one day (or hour), and in unbelievable pain the next. all the while carrying on with life as usual. as i continue to meditate on the cause of my outbursts of pain (and all other negative emotions), i have come to realize that i probably wouldn't be so tormented if i applied myself more to the development of the positive. i'm not saying this will cure my problems- not by a long shot. but it would help. i've never really taken the time to figure out what makes me happy in this life. i know family and friends do; those are a given. but as for activities, pass times, work, and just all around life, i have no idea. this is probably very elemental and juvenile, but it's one of the lessons i missed in my very abbreviated childhood. one of these days, i'm going to have to learn to be a kid. any one know any children willing to teach an overworked, stressed, going white-haired adult how to be a kid?

every man's sunset is some other man's sunrise.

so i now work full time at Apx Alarms in the scheduling department, and part time at Organa Minerals. i still do my volunteer work, and just took on more responsibility at one of those. i am still working on outlining the charter/ mission statement of the NPO i want to start. i tend to work on that on Sunday afternoons. i occasionally get to talk to my family, but it's hard without a phone. i probably won't have one until at least July. i'm still working on paying off my debts. it seems that every time i end up unemployed for any amount of time, i feel like a failure. it's fodder for for my depression. in the times when i'm employed, i have a tendency to work myself into the ground. i have to keep up this pace for at least another month. after that, i may cut back on my part time job. it depends on what happens from here. i'll have a couple of weddings to attend in the end of July, beginning of August. on another note, i just learned that my friend from when we were 12 years old fell asleep at the wheel a few weeks ago, and broke a few vertebrae. at the same time she learned the extent of the damage, she learned she's pregnant again. in June, she should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat, and start doing tests to see if the child was injured. it started an interesting train of thoughts. it made me reconsider how i'm spending the limited time i'm allotted on this earth. i don't have much leisure time, but i've had a tendency to waste what i have. if i put forth the effort, i could have much more of an impact on my world- hopefully a positive one. i still have about 8 or 10 hours a week in which i could be of service to others, in which i could spend some time with friends, i could pay more attention to those around me, in which i could take some time to appreciate the beauty in every day life. i have the opportunity to look out the window where i live and where i work and see mountains. i get to live within easy distance of a river, and a few lake sized reservoirs. my goal this week is to spend at least 30 minutes contemplating the miracle of life and the creation. my goal for this month is to spend more time living my life, and not just surviving. my hope is that one of these days, i won't have to fight so hard for every day. my wish that i don't quite dare to hope for is that one of these days, some one else won't have to fight so hard for every one of their days because i'd have already fought for mine. i don't know if i'll be able to achieve any of these goals, hopes, or wishes. i don't know how effective i will be with this NPO. i don't even know if i'll make it through tomorrow without having my world fall apart. but i will put forth all i can and then some to accomplish what i've set out to do. perhaps, some day, i will be able to say i am a better person for my current struggles. some day, i will be able to put my arm around some one's shoulders and say, i've passed over this bridge, let me show you how. some day, i'll be able to rest peacefully, knowing i have accomplished all good things i set out to do when i came to this earth. until then, i will keep those goals in mind and heart. until then, i will trust that it is possible. until then, i will continue to try to reach outside myself with love and an attitude of learning.